Leo on segunda-feira, 19 de julho de 2021

Seeking And Not Finding



You spend years and years, many sleepless nights, writing, until you have some conviction that anything you're being able to feel and think is really love and wisdom. Then you wonder, "Should I hide or show it? I can express but I can't explain, and that could be a problem". My intuition was right, I was unable to deal with people thinking the easy "truth".

My only options were to keep exploring the hard truth or to surrender to fear and give it all up. Obviously, I've chosen to persist. But I was already exceedingly suffocated by the conviction of fools, and it was only a matter of time until I started to feel and think that, because of God and myself, I was seeking and not finding. I had been blinded by the guilt, which I couldn't see was coming from wicked men's desire of condemnation.

Well, I had to spend one night at the mental hospital, because I had to find another way and at the same time I remembered I couldn't find anything, and no other way I could think of didn't even seem to resonate with the word 'seeking' anyway, so I probably had to find a way to kill myself. Then people heard me saying things like, "My enemies are right, I'm mad, evil, and God hates me".

That was in 2012 and here I am today, having survived feeling like Pat, Eleven and Riggs, all at the same time. To realize, in 2015, that I've had never really stopped finding. Because they said my days are numbered, so that year on June 22 I tried to count them for myself. Ha!

I also didn't know I was trapped in the girl on the moon's countdown...

It's true!